Will I ever be able to articulate this slavery? Mental bondage, manipulation through guilt, why it has manifested in my mind?
Why it chose me? It is a life that is perpetually doomed, if anything it will drive me crazy, if it hasn’t already.
Thoughts springing into my mind, no inflow control but you see, I don’t think that’s fair, after all, these thoughts decide my future, my fate, my identity, at least that’s what they tell me.
So, how is it that I have no say in a sickness, or rather a disease that chooses the worst symptoms to provide the very best of a handpicked selective torture.
If anything can set me free, come and save me, for there is no remedy available in my own defence system that knows how to outsmart it’s cunning wrath.
God, I know you exist, so why can’t you get this thing, this monster to loosen its grip and let me go, let me grow and become healthy again?
Lord, I know it’s wrong to deny the life you’ve given me but I don’t want to live this way anymore. I want to breathe without pain, inhale and become immersed in life’s events without the dreaded realness of imaginary shame that threatens to lead me to damnation.
Through the compulsions I am falsely deceived into thinking I can manipulate it all, but every time I crash and fall as it makes a mockery of me within my own mind, coming back with the a worse thought each time.
My chest is tight and the mind is tired, I sit and wonder how much longer is it humanly possible to keep fighting, until it takes me under and my eyes see no more light.
Or worse, if the fight ceases and the disease takes over, I will become what I’ve always feared and then there will be no place for me here, but locked up, in prison or in hell, one earthly the other eternal.