Many people make the decision to choose medication to help treat their symptoms of Anxiety and Depression for many reasons, sometimes because they view their illness as a chemical imbalance, or for others, it’s that they’ve tried almost everything else. For me, well the story goes a little bit like this….
I woke up one day and felt like I was going to die. No panic or fear, none of the usual emotions associated with dying, just groaning. As I lay with my head sunk deep into my pillows a very different kind of yawn escaped my lips. Not the kind of wake up yawn that vocalizes the begrudging acceptance that you’ve been taken from the comfort of sleep, but rather the one that vocalizes despair of the realization that you are being brought back to consciousness.
The feeling I had on this day was something unlike anything I’d ever previously experienced. It stuck with me, for too long, this knowledge, this internal state of acceptance, that the end was near, it was going to happen soon, with no intervention needed on my behalf, an inevitable fate that was currently being fulfilled, my body was shutting down and my existence would be no more.
I knew on that day, there was no more going through this journey drug free. Yoga, swimming, taking walks, dieting, praying, they were all helping, all keeping me alive, helping me to retain and maintain my existing sanity, but everyday depression was growing, outgrowing their progress and I was being consumed.
Needless to say I was shaken, unsettled in this new feeling. Every concern, dissatisfaction and argument my mind engaged in when considering antidepressants had become last priority. I carried these beliefs for years, but one single feeling, emotion had released their grip and finally I had to let them go.
Drug free, depressed and lonely, that’s me, drug free, anxious and deteriorating, that’s me, in my own mind I was successful, for years, I had considered it a triumph for doing it… drug free
The bubble, that protective but possibly toxic bubble burst, and that day, as I walked home from my GP appointment, that prescription in my hand felt like safety, not danger,
That feeling, the place my mind had been allowed to reach was foreign to me, imagine feeling something that doesn’t belong to you? Accepting something that you never gave yourself permission to accept? As if my mind set off an intruder alert I needed to respond to this feeling and antidepressants were the answer.