Drowning in your thoughts

Gasping for air in this poisonous concoction of shame, embarrassment, guilt and rejection

Remembering , experiencing events as if they were still happening

My brain feels suffocated, in desperate need for  somebody to crack me open and release an overflow of fear,  hurt, and shame

Instead it builds up inside of me, pushing against my body, dying to spill out

Letting  my guard down, if only for a minute and surrendering to the thoughts  would sweep away my sanity in a single wave.

I would fall to my knees and bend over in agony as streams of madness run down my face

The  piercing scream, eventually muffled as my lungs become saturated with the sudden enormity of the task to stay alive

It used to be easier,  I had developed ways to suppress, outsmart, to live with the thoughts but they grew stronger eventually outsmarting the life vest I’ve built to keep me afloat,

Like a needle  with just one prick the air  has escaped and now I’m drowning

I almost let myself go, completely and allow full immersion  of my body and mind into the  abyss,  until a dim light shines from a distance

It could be from the place where  I’ve not yet explored. Where there is more to experience, more to learn

In that moment I decide to allow myself  a chance of life beyond the thoughts I already have

I’l continue to resuscitate myself after drowning in these thoughts

As weak as my limbs feel, as sore and dry as my throat is,   I will continue moving forward,

Only forward, with the hope that somewhere in the future, is something better  lies on dry land

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