It starts with crippling anxiety. My stomach muscles
are in a constant spasm, painful memories kick my stomach with so much force
that they crush my insides and knock me over but I don’t fall, I’m still
My lower legs begin to feel weak as if they are going to give out under the weight of my despair. Lying down seems like the only option to ease the pain, my eyes prefer to see darkness as they close
I would rather sleep than eat, walk, talk, feel. The only
time that sleep becomes unattractive is when night falls, when I’m supposed to
My mind is cloudy, foggy, I remember so much yet it’s too fatigued
to think. I can begin a conversation but a short clip of the most painful memory
will divert me to staring aimlessly into space.
It’s difficult to picture getting through this, there doesn’t
seem to be a way through, only out. One thing that my mind and body longs for though it rejects everything else is
an escape. Suicide seems like the only option.
The thought of being in existence with this memory is unbearable, no
feeling seems like the only way peace feels attainable
I cannot foresee spending the rest of my life remembering
and knowing what I do, blaming myself for what has happened looking at myself
in the mirror.
My mind is going to play the same scenario 1000 times before it
convinces my body to unplug itself and turn off the power.
I try my best to look joyful, to be myself, to be how my family
and friends know me but it hurts to pretend and the bodies too drained to act
so I recluse.
Comparable to the duration of an eyeblink, I see the
possibility of forgetting and moving on but as soon as it came it’s gone and I’m
left with hopelessness again
I gasp for air thinking of it, sometimes I just allow myself
I want someone to
help me when I don’t know who to turn to. It makes everyone to sad to see me so
besides myself that I feel the need to hide away to save them from this
I can’t stand the feeling of feeling
It feels like too much